Dear Adam Devine,
So we have never met, but we are connected by six degrees of separation. We both attended Millard South High School, but I graduated two years after you did. I hang out with a few people that were pretty close to you in high school, yet I do not remember if you and I ever actually crossed paths. You know Bob, right? Everyone knows Bob, he’s that guy everyone kind of likes but they really hate because he makes terrible decisions and is always late to everything. He is that character on your favorite semi dramatic-semi comedic show that you keep hoping will get written off the show and move off far far away. Bob moved to New York recently, life in Omaha has been pretty sweet since then. You and I were friends on Myspace though, back when I was a “comedian.” You even wrote a generic comment on my wall once. That was even before Workaholics, so I guess you are the one that is crazy about me…
Let me cut to the chase. I know you are a big Husker fan, but the Mavericks are up and coming in division one. I just bought season tickets for the first time, and if you want to come and have the most awkward blind man date of all time, you just let me know. You are invited any time to come with. I will not be weird and try and pitch you ideas for a television show. Seriously though, wouldn’t a good television show be a parody of The Hills, but instead of a bunch of ritzy 21-25 spoiled kids, we could produce a show called The Bluffs? The Bluffs would be about some 21-25 lower class dudes trying a bunch of get rich schemes to get the heck out of Council Bluffs. You get at me about that one.
There is another Millard South alum on the Mavericks team, his name is Kyler Erickson and he seems like he is a pretty cool dude, some may even say that he is even cooler than Billy Zane. He is a bad ass walk on that really helped the team out many moments last season, and he seems like a quality leader on the team. I give a first pump in the air every time he scores or makes a scrappy defensive play that leads to a score. Here is his website. We can get behind a Millard South guy being awesome. We should probably appreciate this, because this could be the last time a Patriot is a division one basketball player for a while. Ryan Curtis could have played division one, wasn’t he awesome? Don’t pretend like you were too busy to go to basketball games in your junior year. Don’t even try it. Oh, I was in the Mr. Millard South show two years after you. There are so many ice breakers between us. Being 30 and still talking about how bad ass you were in high school is totally healthy, right? There is a Millard West guy on the team as well, so let’s not even give him a chance for our claps. Let’s just assume that he think he’s better than us.
You need to come see the taco cannon. So far let’s tally this up: You get to see a basketball game for free. You get to see a Millard South guy play college basketball. You get to see tacos being shot out of a cannon. I won’t even sit there and talk about how Austin Anderson was a better stand up comedian than you. I will not bring that up once. I can update you on other UNO athletics as well, things are incredibly different since you skipped town. The entire campus has changed even. When I started going in 2004, I constantly felt like I was on the set of a 1980s Michael Douglas film, but everything has been renovated now. There are more and more dorms, and it is growing with Aksarben Village…parking somehow got worse though. Oh yeah, Aksarben is a thing again. There is this place called Voodoo Taco, it’s not owned by the same people that own Voodoo Doughnut in Portland, but they have really good tacos. Oh, if you haven’t been to Portland either, I can be the world’s worst tour guide there. My wife hails from the Portland area.
I need to put this out there. My wife does not really like Workaholics. I try to watch it and she is just like “why are you watching this? They had a house full of rats and murdered the rats by throwing them into ceiling fans and other household appliances.” I guess she just does not get classic humor. She is in love with Pitch Perfect though, so she has become more prideful that I walked the halls of Millard South with you. She brings it up to her friends more than I do. Her friends are like: whoa what was Adam Devine like? Then I’m just like: High school was weird. I listened to Weezer and ruined my track career by drinking too much soda. So I didn’t pay much attention to the loud upperclassman guy that thought he was funny.
This is probably why I would not be the weird fan just wants to ask you what being famous is like. I might ask what Anna Kendrick is like. I feel like she would get me. Instead of asking you all of those questions I would ask what alternate routes you found in Millard South when the main hallway was under construction and you didn’t want to go outside. I am pretty excited about Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates though, and I have not even seen a preview. It’s a reboot of that Debra Messing Wedding Date movie, right? Seriously, how cool is it that you’re in a movie with Milton from Office Space?
So check your schedule, check the Mavs schedule, and get at me. I am a fair guy though, so we can go to a Nebraska basketball game too. You have to pay for that one though, but I will drive your rental car. We can play a game too where we go to local comedy shows and sit right in the front row and watch them get super nervous that you are there. We can have paper and take notes and they will wonder why Adam Devine is taking notes of their performance. It will scare the crap out of them.