So the UNO men’s basketball team is taking a summer trip to Italy. How cool is that? Foreign trips are typically very beneficial for basketball teams. I am sure there is a great deal of bonding off the court, but it also means a few more games of playing together and working some things out on the basketball court. Kentucky coach, John Calipari, has stated that he would like the NCAA to change the rules so teams could take a foreign trip every two years, instead of four years, for the great benefits it can bring to a basketball team. I was literally not sure that Calipari knows the percentage of his basketball team that stays for two years.
I check the interwebs everyday in fear of finding out that one of the Mavs will be transferring. I feel like it would have been announced by now, but you never know. I just hope no one on the team is leaving. I am not sure how much of a per diem the players get for food, or if any, so I assume some of the players need to take up a summer job to buy some souvenirs and whatever weird funny European stuff college students can find. So here is where I assume the Mavs players will take some summer jobs for a little extra cash.
Family Fun Center
I have not been to Family Fun Center in a long time, but I had some hipster friends that worked their during college. They were not exactly hipsters I guess, but they loved to play Street Fighter, so whenever it was slow, you could find them playing Street Fighter.
One of the first things my wife said when she took notice in Thurman’s game was “number 15 has so much length.” It is true. Thurman could use his long arms to grab the really cool stuffed animals that kids have to spend their entire summer allowances on to finally earn. I mean, he does not even have to officially work there I suppose, he could go over to the basketball machine and just go drop the ball in the hoop about a million times so he could win those giant stuffed animals and sell the stuffed animals to the kids. This reminds me, how much fun would be if a casino had something that you could shoot a basketball and make money off of it? I feel like that would be where you would find every college basketball player once they turned 21 to make some money. Would that be break some NCAA rule? Kids could also spend all their summer money at Family Fun Center and tell Thurman they want the stuffed animal on the very top row, but he has to do a 360 jump in the air to grab it and pull it down. Oh, by the way, I am really thinking we can get Thurman in the dunk contest his senior year. How bitchin’ would that be?
Anywhere that needs a fry cook
Tyus is recovering from a torn ligament in his leg, so he has to get some shots up over the summer anyway that he can. Some restaurant just needs to let him grab all things that can be deep fat fried, stand about 20 feet from the fryer and let him make it rain. He could multi-task for sure, standing at the prep table cutting everything that needs to be cut, then toss in some crab rangoon when needed. It would be constantly be raining fryer grease. I hear restaurant kitchens love it when fryer grease is flying all over the place.
With a career goal to be a translator for a professional sports team, he could piggyback off of Tyus here. If you ever work in the restaurant business, you will find out that there is always someone that speaks a total of 25 words of English. He can get some practice being next to Tyus to interpret everything that is said. Also to commentate all of Tyus’ shots into the fryer…en fuego! Yes, he will be needed to inform someone that Marcus Tyus is not literally on fire.
Whole Foods Cashier/Game Stop/Comic book shop dude
If he had some incredibly lame tattoos and world’s worst beard, he could really make Whole Foods work. I love going to Whole Foods and the cashier always asking me how my day is going. It usually goes like this:
Cashier: How is your day been going?
Me: Not bad, I got a morning run in, getting some veggies and bison for dinner later.
Cashier: You check out that new AFI album?
Me: Who the hell is AFI? I really like the new Mumford and Sons album though.
Cashier then puts their head down in disgust and tries to bag my groceries as fast as he/she can to get me out of their store.
Seriously though, who the hell is AFI?
About once every three months I will go check out Legends Comic Books on Leavenworth, I will get a Tony Stark White Mocha or whatever it is called and catch up on Batman and Nightwing comics, and sit there and read while I enjoy my coffee. While sitting their, the comic book shop employees will rush over to the coffee shop part while they have no customers at the counter, to meet their friends and try to trade some Pokemon cards, Magic the Gathering, and other stuff that I assume makes their parents proud. Then the employee gets some dude that brings his son in to buy an action figure and I just hear the employee whimper out an “ah shit” and run back to the counter. The dream is for that guy to be Rylan Murry.
I also list Game Stop, where I assume he would get fired from pretty quickly. For either playing all the games and not helping customers, or for making fun of customers’ video game choices.
Customer Service Agent
This is not the most glamorous thing that one could think of. People call in, and they whine about stuff that no one should ever give a crap about. Omaha is filled with customer service jobs, and they are mostly terrible, but I am basing this off of my impression of Tim Smallwood. Based on his tweets, Smallwood appears like he just always has a positive attitude, or at least he does not post a bunch of negativity online. Smallwood seems like he could calm down a pissed off Jim Molinari.
How many times have you been at HyVee and an employee asks if you are finding everything alright, you tell them you cannot find something, so they guide you to that item instead of just telling you where it is? With Patterson’s speed, he could ask you what you are looking for, and then go sprint for it and bring it back to you at a much quicker rate than you having to walk to the item.
The problem is that Patterson could get that really dumb manager that does not use his skills effectively and just uses him to go get all the carts in the parking lot all the time. An incompetent manager at a grocery store? That would be the world’s first. Every time I am in a HyVee they will have 1000 carts ready for use and I will see a manager whine to the one employee that looks competent to go get the 15 carts that are in the parking lot, like it is much more important than getting customers through the checkout lanes as fast as possible.
Actually, can Patterson be the manager? Hey kid, go get the carts, never mind, you are too slow! Sprints out and gets the carts, comes back, checks out a few customers in record time. Hey kids, you are all fired, I got this.
Wait, can Devin Patterson be The Flash? Never mind, he needs to go work in a science lab of some sorts, preferably with a lot of chemicals and lightning. Trust me, I have read a comic book before.
So this is what happens when nerds talk sports ball…
Per his profile on the team’s page, his career goal is to be a personal trainer. My wife hires personal trainers, and they get recruited to play on our dominant softball team, in which I am seriously the worst player out of both the males and females. Actually the team is full, one more member would mean that I would not have to play anymore, that would actually be kind of sweet. Anyway, personal training is a great way to make money. Even if you are just looking to do it part time, it can be pretty flexible with your full time school or full time work schedule.
There is still not much known about Devin Newsome at this point, so can we get him a job at Voodoo Taco to learn as much as he possibly can about the new Taco Cannon and be the unofficial Taco Cannon Reporter? Voodoo can come out with a bunch of local commercials with Newsome hanging out with the Taco Cannon, both getting to know each other. The cannon talks, right?
There is also very little known about Daniel Meyer. You would have to think with the graduation of Mike Rostampour that Meyer will see his minutes go up with a need for a man in the middle. His post player teammates, Jake White, Murry, and Thurman, have all had more on the court time or in practice time getting a timing down with Devin Patterson passing them the rock. It would be great if he just followed Devin Patterson around all summer to get some of that timing down, or followed Newsome as well. Essentially, if there is a way to make money as a non-violent stalker, I would love it if that is what Meyer could do.
So with Bo Pelini no longer in the state of Nebraska, I have realized that the state of Nebraska needs a weird cat guy representative. No idea if Jake White likes cats, or hates them, I do not care. Jake White needs to get a job at the Nebraska Humane Society or some pet shop and become one with all the white cats. Try to think of something more awesome than the UNO men’s basketball team having a Christmas card that is just a portrait of Jake White, trying to be emotionless but still trying to look like a hard ass, with 12 white cats all in Christmas sweaters and possible elf hats. We would win the internet with that.